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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Cause of death: Zumba
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Oh hi lol
