The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
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Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?