The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal