the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
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Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
don’t we all
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.