The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
You Might Also Like
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.