The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.