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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”