[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.