The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?