The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him