The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I feel it
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?