The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Simple
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.