how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
A roof is a house hat.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words