The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?