The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Wait a minute…
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight