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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Woke up against my better judgement again
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.