The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward