The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….