The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.