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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
How to woo a woman
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.