The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect