The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You Might Also Like
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys