The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes