The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
They also CAN sing✌️
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis