The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Yes, but it was never about money
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice