The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic