The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?