The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
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CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )