The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?