The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“OMGJK” -atheists
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost