The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.