@FrazzleMyGimp [sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
@Smug_Lemur The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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@FrazzleMyGimp 
@andlikelaura [waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
@robotrowboat David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
@dogfather [Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
@dogfather Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
@killerdollrik I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
@daemonic3 Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
@LostFelicia My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
@ArfMeasures MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
@Social_Mime My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.