@Smug_Lemur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

@andlikelaura

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

@robotrowboat

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

@dogfather

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

@dogfather

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@killerdollrik

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

@daemonic3

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

@LostFelicia

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

@Social_Mime

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.