The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it