The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Am I having a stroke?
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
are they though??
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home