The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
LOL!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?