The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Mountain Goat : )
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.