The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
You Might Also Like
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I like crazy people until they notice me
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Anyone want a chair?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.