The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.