The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
But is it really??
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Safety first