The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“no gods no masters” = leo
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is