@thatcarlygirl *brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
@LuvPug The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
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@thatcarlygirl 
@OldFolkProblms Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
@jjhartinger Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
@UncleDuke1969 Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
@Fred_Delicious I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
@IamEnidColeslaw but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
@YourDailyGroan Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
@DurtMcHurtt Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
@TheToddWilliams [Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
@rnc00 @MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck