The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
the short answer to this question
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.