@perlhack

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

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@themorris23

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@TheBoydP

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@bdjansenphd

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

@lmegordon

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

@Goofpoops

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

@DirtyMelodies

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.