The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it