The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is