The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Um … Hot Wings please
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right