The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?