The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Doctors texting each other.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.