the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.