The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel