The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
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LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.