The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

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Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.


First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.


A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.


When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.


I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.


Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?


ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work


I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.


[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!