@ChribHibble

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

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@spikeWilton67

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

@GrantTanaka

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

@Bandersnaaatch

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

@CherBear162

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@omgshuddup

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!