The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
So sick of all these stupid rules
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..